So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i will never coherently bang her
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How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
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OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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