My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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