after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
