No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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