there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
