So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
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All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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