My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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