im having a threesome with these popsicles
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
