6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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