When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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