youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
