Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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