I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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