In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
