i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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