no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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