theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
