I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
