but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
