There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
