sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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