I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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