My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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