dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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