The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
