Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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