Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
