You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
