i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
