Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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