he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
3pm strippers are depressing
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
