Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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