I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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