I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
