How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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