You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
