My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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