going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
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There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
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You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
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