Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
