Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
