just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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