My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
