The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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