just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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