Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
