last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The feeling are messing with the penis
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
