All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
