come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
