I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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