I am in a vortex of obligation.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm both gender and math confused
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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