I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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