Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We left an ass print on the piano.
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Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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