Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
