Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Enjoy the penises
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
