When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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