I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
