I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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