God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
