Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
